ξεδιπλώνονται

Beads of Ash
Flash storm today, typical military-area weather... It was one of the heaviest storms I've seen around the area... The water cascading off the roof was a literal waterfall, and the church actually had a few decent sized wading pools.
I've still got to save my shoes for a while, so no rain-running, tempting as it was. And the tight roads was no place to slip and be around when the visibility drops.. Plus, the water was cold, almost as if it just came from a fridge.

Amidst a rather thoughtful rain-watching moment, watching my palms turn white from the frigid water, decided to take a good drink from the pool I had cupped in my hands. Instead of the slightly sour/acrid taste that one usually gets... it actually tasted of ash, cinder, and smoke.

I sort of attributed it to the 7th month burnings and all (which I absolutely hated), and if you wanted the Eau de Toilette of a typical chinese temple, well, I was drinking it. Mone had just talked about how the rain was thought to be God's tears, but it seemed that if they were, He certainly wasn't crying over certain places in the world. More like He's had enough of the idolatry, and needs to give the streets a good clean. (which I'm thankful of. try running over ash filled kerbs.)

I had sudden odd visions of a city/town consumed by fire, complete immolation to leave a white ash ladened ground, the white of purity, and greys reminding of times past. Not so far away it seems.

Had to get the taste off my mouth really quick, and I knew the shivers that came after wasn't just the cold.



I saw you, my child..
In a recent convo, out of the blue, came the given words "I see Christ in you". There honestly wasn't pride, but heaps of comfort, to know that at times, I've removed myself enough to actually allow people to see who we're supposed to preach about. It came at a time, when encouragement was so much needed, amidst the very tiny little deadly fears of having lived and served in futility. (yes, its so... dumb in a way, but still human after all... the little shades and flashes of human worry, fear.)

A few days later, amidst the drifts of the weary mind, as I slept in the ekklesia, came the strains of "I saw Jesus in you..." It was a song I've heard before, but it made little or no impression in me. This time... it cut right into the heart. Just like how the first slash creates an entry for the second to enter deep. I was... frightened, fearful, as I curled on the floor in fetal form.

It was a deep rebuke, for the past few days after he conversation hadn't been the best spiritually. In the shifting sands of issues and decisions, I've admittedly strayed so much, in the excuses of stress, and utter unconscious-self-reliance. I couldn't weep, but could only groan terribly, as the haunting words flowed. How inappropriate for such a vessel, broken and unclean to be given such words!

It was a deep fear the sank in. The lines, the dichotomy of the flesh and soul never seemed so clear and conflicting before... if Paul did describe spiritual warfare of the flesh and spirit, I've probably just been taken into the heat of the 5 yard line, and thrown into the no-man's land in between.

I wished, I could weep like a child did, for crying would seem only natural, to ease the pain and perhaps, bring upon the aid of parental care. However, at this point, I know that the Divine Father above watches and strengthens, yet, I have flailed like an unwilling child. It was this, pit of regret, and helplessness.

I felt like a child, who had been given the warmest of words, the tightest of hugs, only to forget it all, and flee from the kind, and tender hands... the very hands that I had held onto so fleetingly, I've so easily spurned.

I'm sorry.
 

Loneliness
People keep telling me how lonely I'd be in Church if I were to setup shop there... I didn't exactly believe it, cos even if I did, I loved the relative peace and calm of it all, the brilliant mornings, the air and all...

I had to lock up alone today, and for the first time, there was this blanket of isolation that fell. I had a good ponder about it on the way out, and well, it made sense entirely. Church... you're so used to seeing it filled with people, kids and all... Take them out of the equation, it remains as a mere shell, a structure of bricks, mortar and glass.

Church... its God's children, all in one place.
Even if I had a building in the middle of town, it'd be no better, if its devoid of God's wonderful people.

More Cultural Confusion
Damien's roomie is rather unconvinced I'm local.

Quip...
Lem: Ha I lost track of time... 
Moi: I bet... Life is prob. too chill out there...
Moi: literally...

So infatuated with puns.